We love our lists. I’ve written about my long-time love of a good list; To-Do, To-Read, To-Think-About, To-Call, To-Email. You can think about stuff once, write it all down, then methodically complete your tasks, check them off, and pat yourself on the back, ultimately freeing your mind to drift off to sleep thinking about ponies and ice cream instead of all of the crucial things you need to remember to do the next day. You are free! Free!

The rest of the world is onto us. If you’ve been anywhere near the Internet lately, you’ve probably found yourself clicking into one of these handy lists that will solve your problems, give you all the tools you need for a better metabolism/stylish wardrobe/perfect resume, or at the very least, a pre-determined amount of mild info-tainment.

The length of the list is incredibly important – the number allows you to know what you are getting yourself into. There are just 4 Habits That Will Change Your Life Forever? I can do 4. But 833 of the Most Depressing Scenes in the History of Film? No, sorry, I’ve got stuff to do, like read far more reasonable 7 Surprising Uses for Yogurt.

After conducting the 87 Most Lazy Seconds of Internet Research, I’ve found for you just a sampling of REAL headlines that have popped up on “news” and news sites today.

The 5 Most Offensive Apps for Women

8 Tricks to Spend Less on the Perfect Salad

The 10 Most Popular Workout Songs in the US

Michelle Obama’s 19 Best Hugs

The 7 Lessons Life Will Teach You (There’s only 7? Not to brag, but I’ve learned at least 11)

7 Superfoods From Peru

17 Best Bromances in Literature

The 19 Most Interesting Colleges (I stopped and read this one, and with a swell of pride and minor spoiler alert, I’m happy to report USC made the list)

11 Things Atheists Couldn’t Do Because They Didn’t Believe in God

8 Things Every Woman Should Know About IUD’s

10 Messiest Dog Breeds

9 Amazing Military Gadgets

18 Incredibly Simple Things Any Man Can Do To Look Better

Let’s be honest; nobody knows what YOU need, but you.  So, since we are lingering in the season of New Year’s Resolution-making, here are the top 20 lists that you should make for yourself to ensure that 2014 is the very best year it can be.

4 Ways I Will Be Harder on Myself

5 Ways I Will Be Easier on Myself

12 New Kinda Scary Social/Athletic/Intellectual Experiences I Will Try

10 Things I Haven’t Been Able to Bring Myself to Get Rid of, But Will

88 Ways I will be a Better Friend/Neighbor/Parent/Child/Sibling/Citizen

5 Habits I’m Going to Start/Change/Quit

9 Books I Will Read  — Really Read – Not Skim

20 Books I Will Forgive Myself for Never Reading and For Never Wanting To Read

3 Foods I Thought I Hated, But Will Try Again, With Bacon, Butter, and Salt

6 Words I Will Learn to Spell Correctly, Once and For All

4 Phone Calls I’ve Been Dreading, But Will Feel So Much Better Once I Make Them

7 Ways I Will Trim the Budget

3 Little Treats That Are Worth A Splurge Once In a While

4 Bad Childhood/Teenage Memories I Will Work Through, Come to Peace With, and Let Go

10 Amazing Childhood/Teenage Memories I will Write Down

3 Parts of My Body That I will Stop Feeling So Self-Conscious About, and Just accept Them/Fix Them Already.

539 Things I Will Stop Complaining About

38,003 I Will Be Consciously Thankful for

51 Songs That Put Me In the Mood to Clean the House/Lift Weights/Take a Walk/Try on Everything in My Closet

5 Strongly Worded letters I Will Write Demanding the Return of My Favorite Things (for example, “Alias,” “30Rock,” and Jell-O Pudding Pops. No pressure for YOU to write letters about those things, but if the Jell-O people got letters from both of us, then we might really get somewhere)

And…The Four Best Ways to End This Post

Thanking you for reading.

Wishing you a very Happy 2014.

Glibly Encouraging You to “Make it a Great One.”

Reminding you, while implying that you might read again, that I’ll see you next time.