There are a few minor adult ailments that might be described as humbling. The first of the non-graphic variety rhymes with… tangover.
The second – a summer staple, perhaps next to the tangover – is the sunburn.
Maybe you are of Irish descent, and you have freckles, and you spent 1970’s, 80’s and 90’s summers with ineffective and/or expired SPF 4 slathered on your parts, only to have the lotion rinse immediately off on the first pass through the sprinklers, or with the first toe dipped in the pool, or with the first sweat broken. Maybe you decided you were better off with an unflattering oversized t-shirt covering your bathing suit – a shirt that became a 40-lb anchor once you jumped in the pool.
Maybe you are an olive skinned beach beauty who’s only had to look with pity at one of us less fortunate folks, roaming the sweltering grounds of the state fair, pink and defeated.
As a grown-up, I listen to my doctors. I wear sunscreen on my face every day. I wear a hat. I sit in the shade. I even went so far as to move to the foggy part of a notoriously foggy city. This ain’t my first rodeo – I’ve been burnt before. (I have been to a rodeo, but it was at night, so I was not actually burnt at the rodeo.)
I was burnt in the usual locales – the pool, the park, the passenger seat of a car, the driver’s seat of a car, the back yard, the front yard, and while sitting on a bench/blanket/lawn eating a sandwich/popsicle/cheeseburger.
In college and during that sliver of time in which I wore a bikini, my then-boyfriend/ now-husband and I uncharacteristically spent the day jet skiing on Lake Tahoe. It turns out Lake Tahoe is closer to the sun than I am used to. The jet-skiing part exposed enough parts of me – top, bottom, front, and back – to make sleep impossible as there was not one way to avoid resting on a throbbing purple and blistered patch of skin. I was out of commission for two days, calling in sick to my barista job, and freaking my mom out with sunburn fueled hallucinations.
In high school, I went to the mid-day Oakland A’s baseball game with friends. Our upper deck seats put me at roughly the same elevation as Lake Tahoe. As I rode back home, rolling around in the back of my friend’s grandma’s old van, I knew I was in for a world of hurt. I couldn’t bend my knobby violently violet knees and the blisters were already presenting themselves. It was days before I could ride my bike.
Over the next 20 years my baseball outings were relegated to night games, or day games at the San Francisco Giants’ ball park where one usually freezes one’s rear end off, regardless of what weather is happening immediately outside the gates. But July 4, 2013 – armed with a hat, two tubes of sunscreen, and an additional precautionary spray from my friend Megan’s sunscreen can- I re-entered Oakland Coliseum at mid-day, ready for my show-down with the sun.
Our kids had been lined up in the parking lot and sprayed down with an additional protective layer of cream over their little faces, necks, and the oft-forgotten tops of ears.
Somewhere in the 2nd inning, I took off the knee brace that protects my wonky joint but makes my leg fall asleep when I sit for very long. Maybe it was my hops-based beverage in a souvenir mug. Maybe it was the nostalgic and patriotic delight of being with friends at a baseball game on the 4th of July. Whatever it was, I missed sun-screening my darn knee. On that day, in the stadium cleverly designed to focus the sun’s powerful rays on whatever seat my pale limbs occupy, the sun won.
Our friends from New Mexico emerged from the game looking as if they had been kissed by the sun. (Fun “fact”: New Mexico’s climate was designed to resemble that of the Oakland Coliseum, so they had the advantage going in.)
My little family unit walked to the car with 7 pink knees, and one familiar-looking, raging violet knee. I knew I what I was in for.
Beginning with the failed attempt at prevention, your general sunburn experience might look a little like this:
- You feel false confidence that you’ve done enough to protect yourself
- As the sun goes to work on you, you remain blissfully ignorant
- You congratulate yourself for wearing shorts and a tank top because it’s so hot
- Your friend slides her sunglasses down her nose, peers at your afflicted area, alerts you to your pinkness, and pokes it with her finger
- You put on another layer of sunscreen or move to the shade, knowing it’s already too late
- You realize it’s going to hurt
- It hurts
- You wonder if it should really be as purple as it is
- It hurts more than it did before
- You vow never to wear a tank top and shorts again, let alone go in the sun
- You love aloe
- You love aloe so much
- You consider filling the tub with aloe and sitting in there for a while
- Nobody is allowed to touch you
- You do not sleep
- You can’t stop talking about your sunburn, as much as you want to
- Your mom tells you not to worry, it will fade into a tan
- You assure her that it most certainly will not fade into a tan
- She remembers that she and your brother are the only family members who enjoy the “fades into a tan” phenomenon
- You realize the burn does not hurt as bad as it did yesterday
- It’s itchy now, a sure sign it will peel soon
- It peels
- It’s peeling and you feel like a lizard, and you have finally found the one thing that grosses out your boys so it’s kind of funny
All the while, and just like with a tangover (I’m guessing) you waiver between feeling sorry for yourself, and feeling like an idiot.
You should know better. You cooked your own goose. Or in this case, you cooked your own knees.
* At the top is our actual sun prevention collection. It is strategically spaced through the house, so that by the time you reach the front door, you will have had three to four opportunities to remember it.
**This is me and my awesome friend Megan at that fateful game. I’m the one in the stripes. The one with the freckles. The one who’s legs are sizzling just out of frame.